Cutting Through the B.S. – Social Media Blackout Results

And now for a special announcement: today’s post is written with Sarah Peduzzi in mind. Sarah? This one’s for you…

It took approximately one week for me to strip out all the noise, de-people, and refresh my mind. After seven days of social media silence, I started to feel like I was missing out and that second week was rough. I felt like I was on walk-a-bout and I left a community.

Then another week went by and something weird happened. The random thoughts that entered my brain had nothing to do with the latest “fail,” privacy policy debacle or the latest book release. They didn’t even relate to my stories, even though they’re always there.

I started seeing color — and not in that psychedelic-you’re-doing-acid kind of a way. And then I started drawing again and designing jewelry and painting and…

Somewhere in between a jump ring and a stolen paintbrush (one of my kitties really likes them…), I reached that moment of nirvana. “This is [f-bomb] cool,” I said.

And then? (insert drum roll here) I looked at my work. And I was in awe of self. I was back, baby. All that stupid b.s. I was going through where I’d freeze at my monitor and second-guess my work was gone, gone, gone.

And all I needed — all I ever needed — was to put down the shiny tools and breathe. Pay attention to my surroundings. Listen to the voices in my head.

And just be natural about it.

I’m the type of writer who loves the word “interstitial.” I draw maps. I draw characters. I have all the tools to start crafting a grimoire for my urban fantasy setting. I’ve got a song I wrote for that zombie story you may have heard me mention several bazillion times before.

None of these things have been released to you, the reader, but they exist in my haven. I need/crave/live on stories because they have a life of their own. They become meaningful in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. But it’s right there, it’s attached to me and it’s something that has gone beyond the pale. At that point, it’s not about making money or getting published or being famous or whatever… It’s about being a storyteller and understanding what. that. means.

Sometimes, the business stuff gets in the way of being a writer. Sometimes, the potential or the promise of business stuff gets in the way of being a writer and it kills you. Sometimes, constantly hearing about other people’s work or successes or failures or frustrations gets in the way of being a writer — if you’re not whole.

After a few weeks of silence I realized that one of the reasons why I was using social media was to replace something that was missing. Call it justification or validation or whatever you will, but there was a gaping hole I was using the community-at-large to fill. I was looking to other writers to console me, to understand my frustrations, to see how they’re making it.

Without thinking about it, I was looking for ways to feel confident that I had a chance — a snowball’s chance in hell — of “making it.”

And it’s all b.s. It honestly, truly is because you never, ever stop writing or telling stories. For many of us, it doesn’t end with one publication or one novel. If you want to be a writer, all you have to do is write and keep writing and keep submitting. That’s it. It’s exactly like playing an instrument. Once you learn how to play it, you keep practicing. Sometimes you get a tip or a lesson to hone your technique, but if you record yourself you can self-correct and keep improving.

Even after you get to a point where you’re a good writer, fit can hit the shan. A part of your mind takes over and screws everything up. Publishers won’t buy your books without readers. And marketing. And a platform or else they’ll give you less money and publish someone else’s book. Then comes the “oh-my-god-can-I-earn-a-living-at-this”?

Then, you start feeling obligated to be accessible 24-7. Or else. Because your social media platform is work and you have to maintain it.

To quote The Last Samurai: TOO MANY MIND.

NONE of that stuff matters. None of it. It doesn’t matter who’s promoting what book or who is popular right now. It doesn’t matter what the new shiny tools do or how they’ll save your life someday because you’ve now shaved off 4 minutes of your time. What does count? What I found out?

A writer needs to have a good relationship with his/her work. If you don’t have that? You don’t have squat.

If you have to apologize for the fact that your story got published by small press, or that you offered it up on a fan fiction site, or that it’s available for free, or that you self-published… If you have to APOLOGIZE for getting published in non-traditional venues or explain away to the author who thinks your work is crap because it’s not at a “big house” — then you do not have a good relationship with your work. You don’t. Because you are doing the same thing I did. You are apologizing for the fact that you are not as big as the next guy — when all that matters is that you’re telling a story and you’re going to tell another one… And another one… And another one…

And the worse part about it? This is especially heinous if it’s a damn, good story.

Nothing else should become between you and your writing. For me? I was cheating on my work with social media because I am not a rampant self-promoter. I want my readers to read, to review, to engage without ramming my work down their throat. It’s soooo easy to Twitter or Facebook or update a one-liner to spread the word and take care of that self-promotion thing. Only that’s not the only way or the best way. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Yet, we still think it’s that important.

So sometimes? You have to have “the talk.” With yourself. I did. And while I still find myself apologizing sometimes because it’s a hard, hard habit to break? I’m writing my ass off, people.

The rest of it? Money, fame, fortune? It may come. It may not. But I am past the point of caring. To worry about how many readers I don’t have rather than concentrate on the number of readers I DO have is a huge disservice to anyone who’s taken an interest in my work. I apologize.

And that, my dear Sarah…is how I found “me.” It took getting off of social media to know how to cut past the b.s. and get funky with my stories in the best, absolutely greatest way possible. By setting aside other people’s expectations I didn’t even know I was reacting to, I got down to basics before I made up a few of my own. And that’s what I’m sticking with. Right now? It’s my rules, my way, my stories.

I couldn’t be happier.

July 12, 2011
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100 Days Social Media Experiment: The Results

All this week I’ll be releasing a five-part series about the results of my social media experiment. 100 Days: Turning Off the Lights on Social Media kicked off the series in early April and I’ve been blogging about my observations here and there. Now that I’m drawing this experience to a close, I’m happy to share my conclusions and results.


When I first started this experiment, I had no idea how much social media played a role in my life as an author and a friend. I was frustrated and overwhelmed, because I felt obligated to use the tools and be connected at all times. I didn’t realize how much of a perceived burden this connectivity was until I wrote this article entitled Hunting Down the Value of Social Media on SFWA.org and had a frank chat with my friend Matt Forbeck.

After being in e-commerce and online marketing for so many years, Matt had pointed out I was hyper-sensitive to certain sticking points. So, on a surface level, I was getting really annoyed with day in and day out personas of people I knew that were trying to present themselves in a different light to get visitors or clicks. Remember, I travel in many creative circles, so it’s not just “one or two” friends and acquaintances that place a lot of value on their web presence. It’s — quite literally — hundreds.

While I have “unlearned” something often preached about in online marketing — the idea that there are best practices and one must not (typically) deviate from them — at the time I was more opinionated than I wanted to be and, without realizing it, I was really angry with myself about that because I’ve always prided myself on being fair. If anything, this experiment has allowed me to return to my core philosophy: do what works for you.

I’ve made my peace with rampant self-promoters and exaggerated personas, in part because I didn’t see the micro-trends and the near constant “fails” for a few months. The sheer lack of critical comments, opinion and feedback from hundreds of people allowed me to simply…be. The voices in my head returned, my writing is back to the level where it needs to be, and I’m taking calculated risks with my work.

Once I realized that my frustration with social media was the real reason why I felt compelled to stop using it, I dug a little deeper. I wanted to know whether or not it had any real, tangible value to my website or my work.

    Three Questions I Wanted to Know the Answer To

    1. Did getting off of social media hurt my book sales or my chances for publication?

    No.


    2. Did getting off social media hurt my website traffic?

    No.


    3. Did getting off social media kill my social media presence?

    No.

This week I’ll explore these answers and questions more in depth. I’ll also be talking about ways I’m going to manage my social media presence since I’ll be back online more regularly on Wednesday to prevent that feeling of obligation from ever happening again.

If you have any questions or comments about this experiment, feel free to post them and I’ll try to address them this week.

Thanks for being such a valued part of my readership!

July 11, 2011
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100 Days Experiment of Social Media Silence is Almost Over!

So it’s almost been a hundred days since I’ve been off of Facebook, IMs and Twitter for personal use, and…

…it’s about time.

It has been an absolute chore trying to connect with friends, readers and fellow gamers outside of these tools. Some people are only accessible via Facebook. Others rely on one tool or the other.

Not to mention, both Facebook and Twitter upgraded their messaging system. Now I get e-mails every time someone mentions me on Twitter, re-tweets a link, likes me on Facebook, etc. I even got a message that sounded a little creepy from Facebook, like Hal from Space Odyssey: “Monica, your friends are waiting.”

Last week I logged in to do some maintenance, and over the weekend I broke my silence with a single word: beer.

While I probably won’t be using the tools as much as I have in the past, a hundred days was a long time to conduct this experiment. I’ve learned a lot since I’ve been offline but, in the end, my conclusion is the same as my assumption: it’s just a tool like any other.

The interesting thing, is that getting off of social media has allowed me to do away with some really bad habits of mine. Like whenever I saw a “fail” meme, I felt obligated to uncover the real story instead of just blowing it off. Or when I noticed a blatant falsehood or incorrect piece of data, and felt it was necessary to help the person out — whether they wanted it or not. (You know, because no one is wrong on the internet… ever…)

The funny thing is, I’m finding that the less I know the better I feel and the more focused I am. I turned off Google Alerts and I’ll be turning off notifications, too. While I don’t (won’t) do away with social media completely, I feel I’ve finally got a grip on what I want to use the tools for.

And the best part? I no longer feel obligated to use them.

Less than a week and a half to go! Oy! In the meantime, I’m going to take a break from blogging this week so I can focus on my vampires.

‘Till then!

July 4, 2011
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Girl Geek Week: On Exploitation and Role Models

Girl Geek WeekTo end the week, I went back and forth about what the best type of post would be. I’ve addressed some serious topics and added in some fun things, but I don’t really feel I’ve gotten to the “core” of why a girly and geeky celebration is so important.

I talked a little bit about the concept of tribalism in my post entitled “tribes and our role as a writer,” but the truth is that groups and cliques exist pretty much everywhere, in every corner of society. The same, though, can be said with the way that women treat each other.

Is it Exploitation if There’s No Personal Gain?

Take the Playing D&D with pr0n stars blog for example. This is a blog about Dungeons and Dragons which just happens to be written by a GM who works with women in the pr0n industry. Many people have blasted the blog saying it’s the exploitation of women.

Me? Yeah, I don’t think the people saying that understand what exploitation is. Couple things here. First? The majority of the posts are about gaming. Second? There’s no pr0n on this site. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. The closest thing this blog gets to addressing any pr0n-related issues (Yes, I’m using the alternate spelling to avoid the spammers…) is this post. Sure the top picture is suggestive, but really? Is it that bad compared to some of the RPG artwork we’ve seen?

In order for an incident of exploitation to occur, there needs to be an unethical use of something or someone for personal gain. Read the site and you’ll probably come to the same conclusion I did. This is not written or developed in a way that exploits these women. I feel what people do take issue with, is the fact that this guy is gaming with several women in the adult entertainment industry. The circumstance, more than the blog, is what people are decrying.

Sadly, Appearances Still Matter

I wanted to bring up this example as a way to highlight a deeper issue — the way other people comment on a woman’s looks whenever she proclaims: “I’m a geek.” You could say that society as a whole is obsessed with looks, but what all of these comments boil down to is this: our society assumes geeks are outcasts, and outcasts are often labeled that way because of their physical appearance and possessions.

If the woman (or man) is “hot,” geeks will accuse that person of lying. There’s no way a good-looking individual could possibly know what it’s like to be a geek. If the woman (or man) is average-looking, then you’ll get: “Well, that’s the best [insert industry of your choice] is going to get.” [Actual statement, by the way.]

Are people couching those criticisms in those terms? Most of the time they’re not. Within the geek culture, we have are own set of rules, rituals and assumptions about who belongs and who doesn’t. It sucks to say that, but it’s true. Sub-groups exist and they often coalesce around a particular experience, device, company or property. Live Action Role Players versus tabletop. D&D 4E vs. D&D previous editions. Collectors vs. casual fans. Literary vs. popular fiction. XBox 360 vs. PS3 and so on.

The ironic part about these sub-groups, is that geeks understand what it means to be excluded from [topic/item of your choice]. Yet, the tribes still exist. Add women on top of that? And now you get sub-sub-groups. You get “the group of one.” The girl who’s only into comics because her boyfriend is. The girl who spent hours on her LARP costume to get attention. The girl who can’t possibly excel at video games because she’s just playing for the pretty pictures.

There’s No Ostrich in Ostracize

Add another woman in the same group and now you get…wait for it… competition. Or so others might have you believe. On a broader scale, what happens is that there’s a period of adjustment every group goes through whenever someone new — male or female — is added. On the micro scale? We still have assumptions about what women should and shouldn’t get into.

Yes, these are sweeping generalizations and for some people I can understand why they come across as inflammatory. Yes, you can probably come up with hundreds of examples of where this is not always the case, too.

However, the point I’m trying to make, is that no matter how isolated or how ostracized we may feel for being a geek, some of us are guilty of doing the same things other people have done to us. We defend anyone who’s picked on, sometimes without knowing all the details of the situation (e.g. person really was acting like a troll), because we understand what it’s like to be bullied. So why then, can’t we be more accepting of other geeks? Women, especially?

We’re so caught up on our personal need to be validated and accepted, sometimes we forget that in order to do that? We should start by respecting other geeks.

Does that mean I’d have an “open arms” approach and accept all geeks (regardless of gender)? Yeah, not a chance. I’m not going to be nice to an *sshole just because he (or she) is a geek. You can rationalize it all you want, but sometimes? An *sshole is still an *sshole. Like jocks and goths, calling someone a “geek” is a way for people to identify that person in a particular group. Beyond that? Saying he or she is a geek tells me nothing about the quality of the person. All that does, is tell me we might have similar interests.

The Need for Female Role Models

I believe the solution to get past our stereotypes is to go the route of anti-exploitation and seek out female role models within each industry that we love. Maybe she’s an amazing costume designer. Maybe she’s got a mean trigger finger on her controller. Maybe she knows everything there is to know about Wonder Woman.

As a whole, we need more role models who are comfortable with their interests, are not afraid to talk about them and are open to talking with other geeks who don’t share similar passions. We need leaders who can identify with fans and creators, who can transcend the tribal boundaries we’ve created.

We need role models who aren’t afraid to tell the truth: there’s a little bit of geek in everyone.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this series of posts celebrating girl geeks and, at the very least, maybe these discussions will activate your neurons and charge your batteries.

July 1, 2011
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