To end the week, I went back and forth about what the best type of post would be. I’ve addressed some serious topics and added in some fun things, but I don’t really feel I’ve gotten to the “core” of why a girly and geeky celebration is so important.

I talked a little bit about the concept of tribalism in my post entitled “tribes and our role as a writer,” but the truth is that groups and cliques exist pretty much everywhere, in every corner of society. The same, though, can be said with the way that women treat each other.

Is it Exploitation if There’s No Personal Gain?

Take the Playing D&D with pr0n stars blog for example. This is a blog about Dungeons and Dragons which just happens to be written by a GM who works with women in the pr0n industry. Many people have blasted the blog saying it’s the exploitation of women.

Me? Yeah, I don’t think the people saying that understand what exploitation is. Couple things here. First? The majority of the posts are about gaming. Second? There’s no pr0n on this site. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. The closest thing this blog gets to addressing any pr0n-related issues (Yes, I’m using the alternate spelling to avoid the spammers…) is this post. Sure the top picture is suggestive, but really? Is it that bad compared to some of the RPG artwork we’ve seen?

In order for an incident of exploitation to occur, there needs to be an unethical use of something or someone for personal gain. Read the site and you’ll probably come to the same conclusion I did. This is not written or developed in a way that exploits these women. I feel what people do take issue with, is the fact that this guy is gaming with several women in the adult entertainment industry. The circumstance, more than the blog, is what people are decrying.

Sadly, Appearances Still Matter

I wanted to bring up this example as a way to highlight a deeper issue — the way other people comment on a woman’s looks whenever she proclaims: “I’m a geek.” You could say that society as a whole is obsessed with looks, but what all of these comments boil down to is this: our society assumes geeks are outcasts, and outcasts are often labeled that way because of their physical appearance and possessions.

If the woman (or man) is “hot,” geeks will accuse that person of lying. There’s no way a good-looking individual could possibly know what it’s like to be a geek. If the woman (or man) is average-looking, then you’ll get: “Well, that’s the best [insert industry of your choice] is going to get.” [Actual statement, by the way.]

Are people couching those criticisms in those terms? Most of the time they’re not. Within the geek culture, we have are own set of rules, rituals and assumptions about who belongs and who doesn’t. It sucks to say that, but it’s true. Sub-groups exist and they often coalesce around a particular experience, device, company or property. Live Action Role Players versus tabletop. D&D 4E vs. D&D previous editions. Collectors vs. casual fans. Literary vs. popular fiction. XBox 360 vs. PS3 and so on.

The ironic part about these sub-groups, is that geeks understand what it means to be excluded from [topic/item of your choice]. Yet, the tribes still exist. Add women on top of that? And now you get sub-sub-groups. You get “the group of one.” The girl who’s only into comics because her boyfriend is. The girl who spent hours on her LARP costume to get attention. The girl who can’t possibly excel at video games because she’s just playing for the pretty pictures.

There’s No Ostrich in Ostracize

Add another woman in the same group and now you get…wait for it… competition. Or so others might have you believe. On a broader scale, what happens is that there’s a period of adjustment every group goes through whenever someone new — male or female — is added. On the micro scale? We still have assumptions about what women should and shouldn’t get into.

Yes, these are sweeping generalizations and for some people I can understand why they come across as inflammatory. Yes, you can probably come up with hundreds of examples of where this is not always the case, too.

However, the point I’m trying to make, is that no matter how isolated or how ostracized we may feel for being a geek, some of us are guilty of doing the same things other people have done to us. We defend anyone who’s picked on, sometimes without knowing all the details of the situation (e.g. person really was acting like a troll), because we understand what it’s like to be bullied. So why then, can’t we be more accepting of other geeks? Women, especially?

We’re so caught up on our personal need to be validated and accepted, sometimes we forget that in order to do that? We should start by respecting other geeks.

Does that mean I’d have an “open arms” approach and accept all geeks (regardless of gender)? Yeah, not a chance. I’m not going to be nice to an *sshole just because he (or she) is a geek. You can rationalize it all you want, but sometimes? An *sshole is still an *sshole. Like jocks and goths, calling someone a “geek” is a way for people to identify that person in a particular group. Beyond that? Saying he or she is a geek tells me nothing about the quality of the person. All that does, is tell me we might have similar interests.

The Need for Female Role Models

I believe the solution to get past our stereotypes is to go the route of anti-exploitation and seek out female role models within each industry that we love. Maybe she’s an amazing costume designer. Maybe she’s got a mean trigger finger on her controller. Maybe she knows everything there is to know about Wonder Woman.

As a whole, we need more role models who are comfortable with their interests, are not afraid to talk about them and are open to talking with other geeks who don’t share similar passions. We need leaders who can identify with fans and creators, who can transcend the tribal boundaries we’ve created.

We need role models who aren’t afraid to tell the truth: there’s a little bit of geek in everyone.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this series of posts celebrating girl geeks and, at the very least, maybe these discussions will activate your neurons and charge your batteries.