Yesterday I wrote a post about where writer’s insecurity comes from. It’s only fitting that today I follow up with why I don’t write. In a word: b.s. Seriously. When I slow down, and there are gaps where the b.s. can slide right in, that wedges into my fingers and prevents me from writing.

Where does the b.s. come from? Publishing is a glorious business. A frustrating vertical. An industry full of unknowns, rollercoaster rides, and periods of stagnation. This uncertainty causes normally sweet and wonderful people to do very, very strange things. Sometimes those are extraordinarily nice things. Other times? Well, not so much.

Making the switch from full-time freelancing to writing on spec has been a huge one for me and that has created some periods of drag as I figure out what it is I want to write. Writing on spec is a significant change in business model. Significant. By the time I figured out what I was doing to self-sabotage, some zombie projects reared their rotting heads and I had a shiny new day job. But my lack of writing consistency wasn’t due to any business-related reason. I lost my way, my discipline went to hell, and I started to let the b.s. get to me. My priorities were screwed up because I recognized where I was in my career and how far I needed to go. Then? I whined about it. GAH. Then I apologized profusely about the whiny. You can see where this can get out of control really quick — especially since apologies are really only valid if you’ve done something wrong and the only person I should be apologizing to is myself.

Thing is, none of the b.s. — whether it’s crappy comments from an author or egomaniacs or contract issues or envy or convention management or whatever — should have any affect on getting the words down on the page. (That includes all personal b.s. too!) At the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own manuscripts. Anything that prevents those words from landing on the page is toxic. Anything.

The trick is to recognize what those triggers are and that’s something every writer has to do. For me? Again, I know my misery is caused by not writing enough. The gaps is where the b.s. overcomes me. Too much b.s. equals not enough words. 🙂

Which is why I started a new training program last week to get more out of my day, focus better on all my spheres of work, head down to The Alliterates meeting, and plow blindly forward. Luckily, I’m starting to get support from like-minded folks and I know that I never, ever want to ever experience this feeling ever, ever again. Crazy business publishing. One minute you’re on top of the world and the next?

Well… I’m not that blind… Heh, heh…

Mood: Yay!
Caffeinated Beverages Consumed: It’s a blur.
Work-Out Minutes Logged Yesterday: Walk!
In My Ears: Henry Rollins
Game Last Played: Battle Nations
Movie Last Viewed: Harry Potter as part of a marathon
Latest Artistic Project: Cross-stitch
Latest Release: “Don’t Ignore Your Dead” included in Don’t Read This Book for the Don’t Rest Your Head RPG