Dear Holiday Shopper,

On this auspicious shopping day, when thousands, nigh millions of lemmings people make the annual trek to ye olde shopping malls and outlet centers in search of that elusive great deal, let us remember those invisible, stressed-out souls that make Black Friday possible.

The average Retail Worker.

Never has there been such a brave, brave animus. This downtrodden human being willingly sacrifices their happiness for not just one, but all the sheep customers who flock through the doors of their humble shop. While they may earn a paltry sum for their efforts, the Retail Worker does not brandish a sword to control the crowds nor do they have the ability to stand up for themselves. No! They have no weapons at their disposal other than their wits and grit and uniform.

Remember, this person of exceptional might tolerates endless hours of screaming banshees children, Christmas music on infinite loop, crabby (and argumentative) shoppers, and frantic bosses with even more frenzied district managers for you. Why? Why would anyone subject themselves to such madness? The average retail worker does this in order to make a sales goal and provide excellent customer service in order to keep their job and have a holiday of their own, with their own family, friends, and loved ones.

Your symphony of deals did not magically appear. Many human-hours have gone into training, reshelving, restocking, and sprucing up store shelves to entice you. The presents there that beg to be exchanged and placed under your tree didn’t pop into being. Did elves work tirelessly to infiltrate brick-and-mortar shops? (Okay, I’m sorry to tell you this, but Santa isn’t real. . .) No! This accomplished feat had been undertaken by many Retail Workers under the direction of their Grand Lord/Lordess, the Retail Store Manager, who answers to a Higher Power(s) — The District/State/Regional Director of Retail Management. Together, the Church of [Your Favorite Retail Store Here] combines their efforts to set the stage for a very stressful day.

So, on this day of days, the blackest of any weekday every imagined ( which, incidentally, belongs to Freya ) I implore you to smile a little brighter and bitch a tad less.

When you see the Retail Worker, wave! When you have a question? Don’t yell at the Retail Worker for being stupid, ask them politely. Stop fighting over that last doohickey on the shelves — designate a replacement gift. And if you can’t find anything to buy? Think the deals are crap? Don’t scream at the Retail Worker — it’s not their fault, they’re just doing their job. (For extra karma points, you could thank the Retail Worker for their efforts.) Want to fight with your fellow customer? There is nothing more horrific than to watch two grown adults engage in a bout of fisticuffs over L’il Suzy’s Talking Furry Doll That Also Realistically Poops. Also, at that point, fair warning but? When fingers grab and fists punch? Store security and the police may be called.

And so, we come to the close of this ye olde sermon. On Black Friday, there is no worse possible place to be, than to ring up sales behind the counter or walk the aisles to drone on and on about sales.

A fact that Black Friday shoppers should all do well to remember.

Signed,

A Recovering Former Black Friday Retail Worker