Light Bulbs and Measuring Sticks

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It’s winter here. Cold, blustery, and dark. I love winter — especially snowflakes — but sometimes too much dark gets to me. Had to go on a cleaning meltdown for that reason. Washed the curtains, the rugs, did a little house maintenance, got an architect lamp to add some full spectrum lighting to my office — the whole bit. Also celebrated new phase of my career with a FitBit to keep me on track.

Now that I’m back from the U.K., I’ve been diving back into the pile and loving it. Getting a ton of words written, projects completed, outlines sent… Yesterday, my short fiction for Hunter the Vigil: Mortal Remains had been accepted. It’s interstitial and connected in a series, so each piece builds off of the other. It was a LOT of fun to write and I can wait to see it in print. Tying up the Episode Guide for the Firefly RPG corebook while the other pieces are being edited and proofread. We are very close to calling it a day. Phew!

But in the midst of all that, every once in a while I catch a whiff of the drama. You know the kind I’m talking about. The “You’re not a real writer until…” Or “If you write, it’s not really work.” Kat Richardson recently talked about this on her blog a little bit in the context of NaNoWriMo. And I laughed when I saw the “It’s not really work.” I never STOP working.

To me being a writer is one part craft, one part business and my job is to balance the two by making smart decisions that impact me now and in the future. (Here’s a financial snapshot of this career’s sustainability through the lens of self-publishing, traditional, and hybrid models.)

More to my point, there’s a lot of magical thinking out there about the craft. I get frustrated when the measuring stick gets pulled out. I’m sure you’ve heard this before. The “you’re not a real writer” unless you:

a) publish an original novel that person has heard about
b) publish a series of novels on that first book
c) have a graphic novel/comics based on those novels
d) sell movie/TV writes based on those novels
e) MERCHANDISING
f) roll in the dough
g) have a million Twitter followers
h) etc.

Gah! So why does the measuring stick exist? Jealousy and insecurity, sure. That’s natural and going to happen. But deeper than that, our personal qualifications for success are putting those tick marks on the ruler. Take 50 Shades of Gray for example. I can’t tell you how many people came to me and said: “This was badly written, but I had to keep reading.” And then I found out how this book came to be published, and well… I know so many erotica/romance writers who write high-quality prose. This runaway hit blew my mind because it broke my rules of what I feel deserves to sell that many copies and get all the licensing, etc.

Obviously, my opinion is just that. Does it have a bearing on the future of that property? Sales, etc? Nope! It’s just “talk.” My point here, is that a stranger’s opinion shouldn’t make you feel bad about what you’ve achieved as a writer. Half the time they’re saying: “I wish I was as success as you.” or in my case “I don’t understand your success.”

To me, the lesson to be learned about measuring sticks is that they’re useless. Success is, to be perfectly hokey, in the eye of the beholder. Measuring sticks are just opinions that can get in the way or attack your confidence as a writer so you freeze up and avoid the blank page. Success is always best viewed in context, anyway. Don’t let anybody take your happiness away from you. If you’re pleased with what you’ve done? Then that’s really all that matters. If you’re not, well… That’s a whole ‘nother conversation.

    Mood: How did it get to be December again?
    Caffeinated Beverages Consumed: COOOOOFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE
    Work-Out Minutes Logged Yesterday: Meh
    In My Ears: Electronical buzzings
    Game Last Played: Dragon Age II
    Book Last Read: A modernized version of Mallory’s King Arthur
    Movie Last Viewed: RED 2
    Latest Artistic Project: *Still* *still* *still* need to take pictures… It’s on the list!
    Latest Fiction/Comic Release: Last Man Zombie Standing
    Latest Game Release: Friends in Low Places
    What I’m Working On: Primarily tie-in games work and novels.


January Is So Two-Faced. (Or What The Heck Is Going On)

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And 2013 starts off with a bang! Or three. Or four. Right after the holidays, I dove into my style of project management; I set up a few spreadsheets, goals, graphs, and other ephemera — and hit the ground running. As a result, there will be several announcements leading into late Spring/Summer. Some are related to my own work, some are connected to licensed properties, and a few are in line with my “day job” wheelhouse, consulting. It began as a healthy enough mix of spec and paid, and all boats were lifting, lifting, lifting until…

This week, my SO, Matt, took an unexpected trip to the ER in the middle of a blizzard. It’s his heart. More tests, more exams scheduled, etc. etc. etc. Possibly surgery. Yeah, that kind. We just don’t know yet. So, more waiting. Initial tests came back just fine, though, which is what we both expected. Right now, we’re erring on the side of caution and hope the cardiologist is spectacular.

Matt and I have been together for years; he is my family and he’s treated me like *gold.* I knew that he was a good guy when he told me, up and down, how much he hated musicals — but he showed up to my rock opera performance, anyway, to show his support. And, while he’s a very humble guy, he doesn’t talk about the charity work or any of the other amazing things he does to make the world a better place. He’s just not that way and I love him for it. In short: he’s my hero.

We’ve had our ups and downs, just like any other couple, but our troubles have always been relatively minor day-to-day stuff and pseudo mid-life crisis crap compared with everybody else. (He’s got a GREAT job and a very understanding boss.) This year, we were going to take that international vacation, wrap in a few work meetings with publishers, and start making some of our dreams come true. Mine, of course, is to make a decent enough living off of my creative works and consulting efforts so we can buy a house with a large garden. The future was already on our minds; milestone birthdays will do that to you.

It’s just… now I want our dreams, like our trip to England, to come true. I want to be that crazy American in a karaoke club singing Queen. (Though, admittedly, he may not be able to watch that part of the trip.) I want to find a Tardis, stand in front of Big Ben, grab a ridiculously tall glass of stout, and savor the best of English cuisine. And I want to do this with him.

I’ve always erred on the side of pragmatic, careful when I blog, because you never know who’s reading your updates. We’re both pretty private people and that allows us to have a life offline. However, I am a very passionate person and sometimes I am scared to tell you how much I love, love, love what I do and all the people in it. I’ve had a crazy-ass life — brilliant moments and horrifying lows — and I wouldn’t trade this for anything. But, at the same time, that passion (and the show of it) is very scary on the receiving end. (There’s a reason why folks say I’m a force of nature, after all.) It’s not socially appropriate to run down the street screaming at the top of your lungs, after all.

But why not? Seriously. WHY NOT? Half the time, I feel like I’m going to burst out of my skin. And, I can tell you, the more mortality you face, the more skin-bursting you’ll want to do.

Then, reality hits. And it’s a major downer. But I have no time to be down. None whatsoever. Maybe one day I’ll tell you the rest of this story, but I’m not ready to do that just yet.

So, now you know why you’re going to be seeing a lot more of me this year. I’m not just writing for Matt’s heart. I’m writing for mine, too. I just hope readers and gamers like you will follow.

Deep breath. Here we go…

    Mood: Optimistic
    Caffeinated Beverages Consumed: Balanced. It’s a strange feeling.
    Work-Out Minutes Logged Yesterday: Um… Didn’t happen. Has to happen today.
    In My Ears: “Stronger Than Ever” by Christina Aguilera
    Game Last Played: Sonic and All-Stars Racing Transformed
    Movie Last Viewed: Empire Strikes Back
    Latest Artistic Project: SHINIES. Still need to take pics…
    Latest Release: “The Button” We Are Dust anthology

When You Can’t Get No Satisfaction

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John Adamus wrote a post today about The Writer and Fairness, in which he mentions how a lot of writers aren’t content because they’re not treated fairly, and why that shouldn’t be an issue.

I agree for the most part but, in my experiences, the issue of being treated fairly is often made complicated whenever finances or marketing of oneself, others, or a product (e.g. books) is involved. Additionally, it is absolutely true that sexism, racism, and all those other -isms exist. Sometimes, an author gets slighted (or receives unjust praise) not because the work is (or is not of) superior quality, but because the publishing industry, self-published or not, is run by people. Not robots, not hamsters on a wheel, or cultists — but mercurial human beings with all manner of beliefs and personalities.

Though it will increase your chances, I do not believe your success solely relies on writing the best story possible. Success is not achievable unless you define what “success” means. I feel you absolutely need to determine its parameters in order to be truly happy, manage expectations, and achieve your goals. Not everyone wants the same things. Again, this is another reason why people get extraordinarily nutty on occasion — peer at your creative works through the eyes of anyone else, and you will see a distorted image. We do this (I’ve done it once or twice) because honest feedback is rare even in an internet age. Occasionally, we seek guidance to know we’re headed in the right direction, even when you’re the only person who understands where you’re going and how you’re going to get there.

When you hear something positive about the work you’re doing, it can be very encouraging. But when it’s not? Or when it’s fake or what have you? I think you know what happens when negativity hurts, because you’ve seen the result of that. You’ve seen “author bad behavior” where they go off on fans. You’ve heard about writers attacking other writers. This has happened before and it will happen again. Either way, positive or negative, those comments shouldn’t stop you from the act of creation. That, my readers, all circles back to you. This is where I feel the test of a truly contented artist lies: that you will go on, in spite of all the bullshit, because you are an artist, painter, sculptor, writer, etc. and you will not let anyone or anything get between you and your creative works.

Whenever I’m dealing with major dissatisfaction, I ask myself a few questions to hone in on the real problem. For smaller annoyances, I either rant or make a sarcastic comment or play a game or dive into a new project or whatever — and then I move forward as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I get stuck and I have to work through a tough decision about cutting personnel or severing ties with a publisher, etc. Other times, I require focus. e.g. Not be online. In the end, the work has to come first for me – which is where these queries come from.

1) What did I expect to get out of the situation in the first place? – If the answer is: I did this as a favor, took a lower rate, or let a lot of mistreatment go without saying anything, etc. etc. etc. Then, clearly, I should not expect to be treated well in return, because I did not put my own considerations first in a reasonable and healthy way. By taking too many shortcuts and one too many niceties, I’m basically sending out an unconscious message that I’m too accommodating or that I don’t care about myself or my work. Ergo: I’m supporting an illusion that I’m a doormat. Instead, the solution here is to remind myself of two things: one) I am self-employed and two) I have every right to take my career seriously. Because if I don’t — no one else will, either. That L’Oreal advertising phrase “I’m worth it!” from years back? Applies.

2) Is the company/person professional? – There are a lot of different types of authors out there. There are, also, a variety of publishers. Some run a business, full-time, and earn their income off what they do. Others? Well, you’ve seen market listings 4theluv. Some publishers don’t expect to make any money. Toss finances aside, for a second, and focus on the word “professional.” Size of publisher matters not. Volume and quality of publications matters not. People, on the other hand, are everything and it’s quite possible that no, they aren’t going to be professional. I’ve found that most don’t care where you’ve been or what direction you’re heading for; they deal with you as you are now according to their own objectives. Unprofessionalism explains a lot of industry-related treatment; while inexcusable from my perspective, even bullies get book deals. Knowing that, there’s really only one thing I have every right to be worried about: the words on my screen. Sometimes, though, certain comments and remarks are taken out of context and that can cause hurt feelings on both sides. Publishing is a people business. And people don’t always say or do the right thing. The majority of times, I believe mistakes are unintentional; sometimes, though, they are.

3) Has this sort of thing happened before? – In my experiences, problems can either be endemic or specific. When they are endemic, the answer is “YES!” But you don’t know that unless you talk to people or have loads of experience. When they’re specific, well, there’s still a bunch of factors that could have borked the situation. It’s fundamentally true that you will not get along with everyone; sometimes, you have to find the people that you DO get along with, but that requires social skills and/or copious amounts of alcohol. (I jest on that last. And not joking about the social skills.) This industry is pretty small and, if you’ve been around long enough, you’ll probably make a few friends, enemies, and (though I loathe to use this word) frenemies. You’ll hear rumors, conjecture, gossip. You’ll find opportunities, get recommendations, and exchange favors. And, eventually, you’ll start to navigate the industry the same way you do your day job (if you have one) or your social life. Having a support network, whether they’re in the industry or not, really helps ground me.

4) Am I happy with the quality of my work? My ability to produce words? Upcoming projects/contracts? Financial solubility? Where I’m at with my career? – These yes or no questions sum up the crux of any dissatisfaction issue for me. In order, right now, as if 1/21/2013: yes/yes/yes/no/no. Ah! So I’ve just confessed I’m happy with my work, but I’m not satisfied with my overall career.

This little reality check nails what I need to focus on and identifies the possible source — the real epicenter — of my distress. No room for “maybes.” If I say “maybe” for any one of those questions, I count that answer as a “no.” The more yes’s I have, the more content I usually am. Win win, I say. More words on the screen cures all ills.

Or, as they quip here in double digit freezing temperatures… Time for chocolate mint cookies.

    Mood: cold
    Caffeinated Beverages Consumed: Not enough
    Work-Out Minutes Logged Yesterday: Blargh. Housework.
    In My Ears: Nothing.
    Game Last Played: Bears!
    Movie Last Viewed: Lorax
    Latest Artistic Project: Holiday gifts
    Latest Release: “The Button” We Are Dust anthology

Intrinsic Versus Extrinsic Motivation

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I suppose I could spend the next twenty minutes (or however long it takes to write this) to tell you about my 2012, but since many of my new releases (with the exception of Redwing’s Gambit) debuted later this year — instead I’m going to look ahead and show you an incentive program I’ve designed for myself in 2013. (WHICH IS GOING TO ROCK!)

I’m of the mind that how a writer treats their career is the same as how they’d view a brick-and-mortar day job. I hail from many positions/verticals mainly because I’ve absorbed as much as I possibly can to go into business for myself. At the same time, I’m a pragmatist who always looks at risks versus rewards, which have been reinforced over the years in my day job positions, but I’m not the type to do anything half-ass. I mentioned this earlier, but I don’t write for validation. Here’s the thing. Validation, pet projects, favors, etc. these are all intrinsic motivators. You write a story for a friend because it’s their birthday. You opt to submit a story to a fledgling outlet because you like the editor. You work on a project because you love the theme. That’s great, but those are secondary motivators for me.

Extrinsic motivators, in my mind, are the external or physical reasons why you write. You get paid. You see your books in Barnes and Noble. You have kids to feed. A husband to support. Etc. It’s the end result of your efforts, which can still be a reason why you write, but it’s not the emotional mojo jojo that is influencing your decision — it’s what you get out of it in a tangible, measurable way. (And that last phrase, what “you” get out of it, is a broad spectrum, indeed.)

So what works for me? Extrinsic motivators. I just built a bookshelf to house the published books I am proud to have worked on. These were projects I’m thrilled to be a part of and I’m excited about the finished product. The end result, for a few years anyway, was my modus operandi — but it was not a system that was built to last.

If you’ve read my blog, you know I’ve struggled with the idea of writing for myself on spec and eventually overcame it. You probably understand why. Well, this is the reason — there’s no extrinsic reward. Not right away, anyway. It’s all intrinsic for me, even if I have a polished manuscript to sell, until one day it isn’t. There it is. A published story. I’ve earned money (an important thing) on my words. Another book is sitting on my shelf. If I’m going to treat writing like a career, I have to earn a living, and I can’t do that by writing something that never sees the light of day. Them’s the brakes. No pressure, right?

I realized that if I need an extrinsic reward for my work, then I’m hurting myself by relying on the same type of reward all the time. By focusing on the same old, same old, I’m not marking my progress by what type of writing I’m doing but, rather, by what I publish or get paid for.

That’s dangerous crazy talk for me; this will make sense shortly. First, what a writer has done in their career, the end result, is how a lot of other people judge the value of that author. Oh, you’re not a “real” writer until… [book deal, movie deal, award, famous editor, type of publisher, etc. etc. etc.] This, to the working writer, is damaging because there are a number of factors beyond our control and, more importantly, don’t matter on a day-to-day basis. To write, I have to focus on what I’m doing now — not what has already happened or what’s going to occur. Also, in my mind? If I’m using the same common benchmarks that everyone else is, then I’m not enjoying the journey or the process, and I’m hurting myself by “measuring up” to somebody else. I’m ignoring what happens between “birth” (e.g. the nascent idea of a story) and “death” (e.g. when it’s published or when I get paid) of the story — but I’m the one who has to do the work.

What makes me unique, is my perspective, vision, and voice; every writer has to have some way to protect themselves (e.g. those intangible assets I just mentioned) and I’m no different. As my career grows, I need to rely on some form of extrinsic motivation to counteract the internal processes of creation, something that means a great deal to me. At first, I didn’t see this simple concept, but after a year of trial and error, I now understand why.

Eventually, I figured out that I lose motivation by inches when projects don’t succeed; my mood is horrendous if bad news piles up all at once. Why? Because if the extrinsic reward is either greatly delayed or nonexistent, then those motivators I’m counting on disappear fast. Books get canceled. The project leaders go bonkers. There’s a difference in creative opinion. I’m not writing-for-hire, I’m working for myself. I’m penning a long-term project that won’t see the light of day for a few years. Etc. Etc. Etc. To the public at large, a writer doesn’t seem to be “doing” anything if they can’t see the end result of their work. But this, simply, is not true.

Without anything to motivate myself in a tangible, measurable way, the act of creation withers and fades. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there isn’t an “end” in the publishing cycle. It’s just how it is. There is no “standard” cycle for book publishing because everyone writes at different speeds, deadlines aren’t the same, and no two writers are exactly alike. Not everybody’s a novelist. Not everybody can write multiple novels. Not everybody will be a best-seller, either.

Now, there are other extrinsic motivators that relate to the writing process. Tracking submissions, word counts, daily goals, etc. All of these count as measurable mini-goals that lend itself to the finished project or end goal (e.g. self-sustaining writer). What I needed to figure out, however, is what kind of extrinsic reward for personal career milestones will motivate me; these milestones are my benchmarks that tell me I’ve accomplished something. More importantly, they occur regardless of what I’m working on — whether that’s on spec or not.

In my case, my extrinsic motivator is a charm bracelet. Yep, I sucked it up and bought a sterling silver Pandora-style bracelet. Then, I rewarded myself for all of 2012 with one bead. This is my starting point. As 2013 progresses, I’ll reward myself after each milestone by adding a single bead to the bracelet. I’ve already picked a theme. The sea. (Primarily because I like skulls as a theme in jewelry and pirates were a creative way to go. Hoping to find a Cthulhu-one!) It may sound incredibly silly, but this bracelet is my extrinsic motivator; not only is it something I can wear now, it’s a piece I can add on to and have a memory to go with each component. And, it’s a constant reminder of the promise I made to myself. Every time I look at this bracelet, I know what I pledge to do this year.

This way, I have a tangible, measurable method of tracking whether or not I make good on that promise. This way, I have a series of small, extrinsic motivators that will happen regardless of what the end result might be.

And this way, I have a method of seeing the progress I’ve made. The more beads I add, the more satisfied I’ll be with my work.

    Mood: Inspired
    Caffeinated Beverages Consumed: Manageable.
    Work-Out Minutes Logged Yesterday: There was cleaning to be done.
    In My Ears: Clubbed to Death (Kurayamino Variation) The Matrix soundtrack
    Game Last Played: Tetris
    Movie Last Viewed: Resident Evil: Apocalypse
    Latest Artistic Project: Holiday gifts
    Latest Release: “The Button” We Are Dust anthology

Day 43: Personal Development By Way of Slowing Down

After I wrote my article for SFWA.org about my hunt for the value of social media, I realized that I’ve reached a new “phase” in my experiment.

Whether it’s a side effect of not being plugged in twenty-four seven or not, my habits have slowed down considerably. It’s not just caffeine consumption; I’m processing information more slowly and thoroughly than I have in the past six months. After a fashion, this makes complete sense to me. Several studies have pointed out how the web changes not only the way we think, but rewires our brains. For example, you can read this article dubbed Author Nicholas Carr: The Web Shatters Focus, Rewires our Brains. Or check out Does the Internet Change the Way We Think? on Newsweek, where a neuroscientist makes the claim that it doesn’t.

Dealing with what I have been, I would argue that it absolutely has an impact on the way that I think and process information. Typical habits and personality quirks aside, what I suppose is this: because I’m not being bombarded with data point after data point, my mental response time has been adjusting to the lack of information I come across in a day. For the past two weeks, especially after being taken down with a nasty cold, my inertia has slowed.

If you’re keeping up with the analogies I’ve been giving, I’ve mentioned how it feels like I’ve been a student in a school of fish swimming this way and that, in perpetual motion. When I left the school, I headed toward the bottom of the ocean. At first, all I could see is a reef of coral because that was my destination. Then, I literally touched the sea floor and slowed to a halt.

Mind you, I’m not the type of person that can handle just “sitting still” for too long. At the bottom, though, I experienced something I haven’t in a long, long time — silence. Sheer, unadulterated, quiet. Then what? I can’t just sit there and wait until this experiment is over with. Right? Right. My thinking, is that in order for me to function more quickly, I either have to consume or process information more quickly, too. For me, the way to do that, is to become a student once again. To learn. To deliberately choose what I want to know, enhance or revisit.

For the past couple of years, there’s been a number of “personal development” type projects and initiatives I’ve always wanted to do but never got around to doing. Volunteer work. Revisiting my graphic design and layout skills. Running a 5K. (I have a long list.) In the past, the challenge I had, was that I was looking at these experiences from the perspective (or the visualization) that they were already done. So the progress from Point A to Point B (a.k.a. “the journey”) was lost in my expectations for constant progress. While the internet isn’t responsible for my demands (or expectations) of immediacy, I certainly believe it contributed to it. This is part of our culture — get it now. And in my mind, that’s not necessarily a good thing. We admire the artist who can paint an incredible portrait, but we don’t see the hours of practice. The same is true with just about any other creative talent out there — including writing. In a way, I feel talent and ingenuity have turned into thirty-second novelties. To be an expert at anything, takes time and experience. You can read the information and obtain substitute programs that’ll replicate certain tasks, but that’s not the same thing as doing it yourself.

What getting offline has done to my thought processes, is slow them down to the point where my mind cleared. Tabula rasa. Blank slate. By slowing down, I was able to get back to the basics in a valuable, meaningful way. Instead of submitting every short story I write, I’m playing around with techniques in a story I don’t intend to sell. Same goes for just about everything else I’m doing, too. Walk for fitness before run. Learn new jewelry-making techniques by focusing on basic designs before creating the ones I want. Etc. Etc.

Getting back to the “bottom of the ocean” analogy, I floated down onto the sea floor and stopped. Then, I realized I could go in any direction I wanted to, as opposed to following and connecting with the crowd. (In this case, quite literally. For to engage socially, you have to use the tools everyone else is using, too.) Once I clearly identified the areas I wanted to develop, then I started over from the beginning and am building momentum to create and do some really fun things. I’ll be showing you some of those projects over the next couple of weeks, too.

Now that I’ve got forward momentum on the personal development aspects, my next step is to speed up my productivity and get back to where it used to be. For that? I’m going to turn back to the clock and start building in some routines.

In the end, what’s happened here is a complete ideological shift by way of a slower thought process. Because I no longer feel compelled to share my knowledge or participate in a social network, I’m not proving or professing my expertise (either consciously or subconsciously). The end result of not doing that anymore, is that my focus is on development to increase my skills and my talents. The silence and sheer lack of social pressure (whether perceived or not) allows me to do that without fear, without time constraints. If I screw up, who cares? If I fall down, I get back up. If I do something amazing? I don’t have to show the “one awesome thing” right away. Instead, I’m going to work towards several awesome things. With the way my creative energy has exploded, I’m already well on my way to doing just that.

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